Happy: A Quest for Life After Death

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

I Really, Really Miss Utah

Utah is a lovely place. It has Zion's National Park, Bryce Canyon, Arches, Temple Square, and my favorite brother in it, just for starters. But I don't miss that Utah.

This spring, I asked Dr. Ryan: Let's say Mat's on a trip from California to New York (New York being a grassy cemetery with flowers and trees). How far along is he on this trip?

The answer: Utah. As long as Mat has energy and is keeping weight on, he's in Utah.

Ah, Utah.

Fast forward a few months, and Mat has lost almost 25 pounds and pops a double dose of speed twice a day in order to have a quarter of the energy of your average sloth.

I've a feeling we're not in Utah anymore.

I don't know where we are now -- I don't want to ask and I don't think Dr. Ryan could tell me anyway. I don't think it's Pennsylvania, but is it Kansas? Missouri? Illinois?

It's definitely not Utah.

We were hoping the Torisel might take Mat back to Utah, but the last scan showed the the chemo is not shrinking the tumors, as we had hoped, but is keeping them from growing.

Our Utah didn't have national parks or Temple Square. But Mat had a job he loved in Utah, and there were walks, and vacations (although they did involve heavy use of drugs), and dinners out, and games of catch with the boys in the park.

In Kansas, or whatever place we're in now, there's a handicapped parking tag, a long-term disability absence from work, and weekly trips to the MGH infusion unit for chemotherapy that sometimes flattens Mat for two full days and parts of several other days.

I was relieved to learn that there are occasional games of catch in Kansas, but for a long time I wasn't sure.

I have to admit I hate it here, although we're trying to get used to it. The people are generous and kind, which helps. Life is simpler, and slower. There are family movie nights every Friday, and family fun (aka Family Home Evening), and nearly regular "scripture power," and dinner together almost every night, and long sessions of reading books with the boys.

And there is one thing I really like about Kansas: it happens to be exactly in the middle of God's hand. I hope we stay here for a long, long time.


lifeinredshoes said...

God bless you on your journey, wherever it takes you.

colgoo said...

HUGS! Hope that you are able to enjoy the holidays in Kansas and not Pennsylvania or New Jersey. Definitely NOT New York! I am weeping a little as I write this. You keep hanging in there. We love you guys!


Mandy said...

So sorry you guys. Our prayers are with you . . . hope you stay right in God's hand.

Jenn said...

Thinking of you ...

EmilyCC said...

Ah, my dear, ever eloquent, even in the midst of uncertain travels. I love you and am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

The Soulier Family said...

So well put! Beautiful and articulate. Thinking of you and your precious family.

ellen said...

We need a bigger damn country.

Janae said...

Oh Kimberly, this made my heart ache. You are amazing. Really amazing. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. But your post was beautiful and inspiring. I wish we could be there to help. As always you're in our prayers.

hp said...

Oh friend. Forget Utah. On your behalf, I miss California.

Your eloquence is beyond.

Thinking of you.
Heather (and Andrew)

Jodi and Jesse said...

Kim, you write so beautifully. Thank you for sharing your lives with us.

Drewmeister said...


My heart aches for your family, but this post is inspiring. Thank you for sharing this journey with your family, and I hope that trip to New York is a long ways away. My prayers are with you.

Lori Lyn

lifeinredshoes said...

Wishing you a Christmas filled with memories to last a lifetime.

From the Land of Oz said...

This is so beautifully written Kimberly. We think of you often and know that we are in KS and fill you with love and support from afar. It's a beautiful and quiet part of the country and although a return trip to UT is favored, enjoy the calm quiet for now, the east is too crazy and too FAR AWAY (thankfully). We love you. Dean and Sarah