Happy: A Quest for Life After Death

Monday, January 31, 2011

Weeks

I don't know how to write this.

I keep sitting down, staring at the computer, and getting up again. Trying to think of some light-hearted twist to this. But there is not a damn thing funny about this.

Mat probably has a few weeks to live.

Now my stomach is starting to hurt and my heart is pounding and my shoulders are inching up toward my ears. I want to get up again, but I will finish this.

It should be no surprise to anyone who has read these posts that Mat has less time to live rather than more. Mat is on hospice. But I really, really believed that Mat would hang on for a year. Or more. People do.

But he has been getting steadily worse since starting hospice two months ago, needing ever-increasing doses of pain medication to be comfortable, having more and more difficulty leaving his bed, and becoming increasingly tired.

Despite these struggles, Mat seems more clear-minded and purposeful than I have seen him in a long time. He is calling friends, talking with the kids, and tightly packing his schedule with visitors. (He is not, however, checking email, because his pain medication has made his vision blurry and he can't read email.)

Where does that leave me?

Well, for one, still holding out a sliver of hope that all of this activity will look really silly when Mat is still here 10 years from now. At the same time, planning a funeral.

If you'll excuse me, I think I need to go throw up.

24 comments:

Jenn Jenson said...

All of this is so unfair. I'm wishing for Mat's comfort, and whatever peace is possible for you and the boys right now.

Thank you for sending the holiday photo. I'm thinking of you.

WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

I am so sorry. I wish things were not progressing as they are, but it seems that Mat is comfortable wtih the process. Hoping you have some quality time with him in the coming weeks. My heart is with you!

amydear said...

Weeks. I hope you have months. I will continue to pray for you and Mat and your boys and all who love him and you. And I hope you are blessed with whatever you need. Thank you for your honesty, Kimberly. I am thinking of you.

One Woman's Thoughts said...

A prayer for you dear heart, a prayer for your sweetest Mat, and three more prayers for you to use as you see fit.

Raj said...

Kimberly,

I pray that your words come true and all this looks silly 10 years from now, I would take that any day than have to associate Mat and "weeks" in one sentence.

- Raj

Katie said...

We're praying for you, Mat and the boys. We love you all.

Mandy said...

My heart hurts for you . . . prayers coming your way.

Cami said...

*love and support and prayers beaming your way from the Jones household

nancyd said...

I think you are one of the bravest people I know. I hope Mat can feel all of our love and prayers. Nancy

Drewmeister said...

Kimberly--my heart aches for you and your family. I do hope Mat has months left. You will be in my prayers.

Lee said...

Your blog has completely drawn me in. I am so sorry to hear that Mat is so unwell. I lost my cousin to cancer this week. At the moment all I feel is numb. I understand that there is nothing I can say that will change anything but I do kind of know how you are feeling and I am thinking of you.

The Proud Llama said...

Aw crap, I'm so sorry. Just plain sorry. All I can say is, hugs from me here!

JanetWhite said...

I'm wiping tears. We are praying hard Kimberly! Hard. Hard. Hard. I love you sister.

EmilyCC said...

You're a brave and eloquent woman, my dear.

Holding you, Mat, and the boys in my heart all.the.time.

Emily said...

We'll be praying extra hard for you and Mat this week. I'm glad your mom is in town taking good care of all of you.

lifeinredshoes said...

I just want to reach through this stupid screen and wrap my arms around you!
Life is not fair, and thank goodness it's not. At times like this that is no consolation at all.
In my heart, in my prayers.

~laurie said...

I am so sorry to read this post. You are all close in my heart and my prayers.

Kim said...

God Bless You Both Mat and Kimberly! Our thoughts and prayers are with all of you. We pray for you to be pain-free and to be able to simply enjoy being with your family. THANK YOU for your amazing example of showing us all how to live in the now!

belmomma said...

praying for you lady. If you ever need a minute away, just call. I'm so glad your mom is there to take care of everything else while you are with your sweetheart.
Denise

SLP said...

UGH.
This sucks.
Keeping you in my heart.and.thoughts.
Sending you electronic hugs of support,
S

Mini said...

I came across your blog about 7 or 8 months back when I started updating a blog about my 6 year old son who is battling cancer for the second time. I have been following your journey since then. I am so sorry it is ending this way, you ,Mat and your boys will be in my prayers. Take care-Mini

EmpowerOnline said...

This is a wonderful blog,sure all are going to love this.
Empower

Dana said...

Kimberly,

I found your blog through Ellen and I'm so glad I have a way to reach out to you and Mat. Rob and I recently moved to Phoenix but our thoughts are still very much in Boston. Including with your family. I am glad your family is surrounded with good people during this time. We will definitely keep you in our prayers.

Heather Parry said...

A few years ago a little boy I know, when asked how his day at school was, answered, "Poop sandwich." Just those two words said it all.

That's what I think of this situation. Poop sandwich.

Mat is so blessed to have you and the boys by his side for the next few weeks, months, years (?)